FANTASTIC FOUR (D-)

This cosmically clunky and laboriously lunk-headed attempt to ride the outer rim coattails of the Marvel Universe is a dull, dreary and virtually action-free affair.  It’s so bad, in fact, I found myself longing – well, maybe not longing – for the cheesy idiocy of the 2005/2007 Jessica Alba/Chris Evans versions.  Those movies may have also sucked, but at least they celebrated familial bonds, made sophomoric sense and moved forward with a goofily misguided and child-like charm.  Mostly.  This reboot is an incohesive, nonsensical, criminally underwritten and lazily directed movie that has almost no reason to exist…because nothing ever really happens.  It’s a half-baked, slipshod effort to repackage a popular-in-paper-form superhero property and shove it down the audiences’ collective throats.  You want fries with that?!  Here’s more garbage to force down the other garbage you just consumed…  A few interesting ideas regarding the militarization of superheroes may exist, but those moments are fleeting and disappear quicker than a single fast-food napkin through the open window of a freeway bound car. Plus, the one scene that shows a glimmer of gloomy hope turns out to be way too violent and bloody to mesh with all that came before and after it -- It was the first thing my 8-year old mentioned as we left the theater (and it should be noted that he loves everything, but didn't care for this at all).  Ultimately, we’re given nothing more than a talented group of young actors walking directionless through a field of upturned rake heads – where at every turn they’re thwacked in the knees, face and/or groin by handles of pointless dialogue, dull science and quizzical scenarios that all, literally, lead to planet zero.  With all this said, you could still do worse – you could fall through an uncovered manhole on your way to the theater.  Or wait, that might actually be a good thing…  The jury’s still out on that, but I’ll gladly sustain that the Fantastic Four is a flat, rhythmless and convoluted mess that lacks a general sense of wonder and possesses no desire to engage.  It’s a fantastic bore.

Starring: Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, Jamie Bell and Toby Kebbell
Directed by: Josh Trank (CHONICLE)
Rated: PG-13
Running time: 1hr. 46min.
Story: This contemporary re-imagining of Marvel's original and longest-running superhero team, centers on four young outsiders who teleport to an alternate and dangerous universe, which alters their physical form in shocking ways. Their lives irrevocably upended, the team must learn to harness their daunting new abilities and work together to save Earth from a former friend turned enemy. (C) Fox

Official site: www.fantasticfourmovie.com